The Melting Pot

Can anybody explain to me why I'd want to spend 100 bucks to cook my own dinner? I'm not a trained chef. I don't know what I'm doing. The main purpose for eating out is so you can have your food cooked for you by somebody who, presumably, knows what he or she is doing. Don't just give me a bowl of hot oil and a platter of raw food. Why is this appealing? Why is this considered fun? Why is this considered, dare I say it, gourmet dining?

If you haven't been to the The Melting Pot and enjoyed the forced, socially-awkwardness of preparing your own fondue, consider yourself lucky. Now, don't get me wrong, fondue in and of itself is all well and good. I used to live in Switzerland, even, so I have something of an appreciation for the cuisine. But that's in my own home, or perhaps even with a gathering of friends and family. Why would anybody go to a fondue restaurant? That'd be like if I took my dog to a daycare place that didn't feed him and made me clean up his poo. That wouldn't make any sense. That defies the purpose of doggy day care! Well, cooking my own food defies the purpose of a restaurant, I say!

Maybe I'm being unromantic. Maybe I'm being a wet blanket. But, if so, I'm in good company because even though the Melting Pot inexplicably has locations across the country, I've never met anybody who actually recommends it. You know why? Because they charge you 100 dollars to cook your own food. Maybe you don't have your own fondue set. Go to Ikea and pick up some pots and skewers for twenty bucks. Then go to the store and buy some meat and cheese and oil. Then, after dinner, count all the money you saved by not going to the Melting Pot.

Ok, Donald, so you've made it clear how you hate the very concept of the Melting Pot, but what about the execution? How do you like their food? Their food is crap. They have a variety of different flavored oils to choose from, all of which taste like oil. Put all the saffron and rosemary you want into a fondue pot and my steak is still going to taste like it was cooked in a vat of grease. So whether or not you get the low grade chuck or the filet mignon, that little chunk of meat is going to taste bland and oily and gross, as though somebody else has put it in their mouth and then spat it our on your plate.

But what about the cheese and chocolate fondues? Marginally better. I mean, you can did anything in chocolate or cheese and it's going to taste good. But, again, I don't need to spend 100 dollars for something drenched in cheese or chocolate. I can just buy a snickers bar and some nachos.

So, basically, the Melting Pot has survived this long because there are that many guys in this country who want to get laid. That's all I can figure. They must assume a fondue place will help their chances in impressing their dates. And they certainly are right that it will bring them closer, since they'll spend the rest of the night bonding over how much they hated dinner. Or, if you're a fondue lover who hates the clean up afterward, maybe I could see the appeal of eating at the Melting Pot. But, for me, there is nothing in the world that can make me want to eat in a restaurant that serves you a giant platter or raw meat and expects you to pay them for it.

Disgusting.

1.5 out of 5

Restaurant Websites

I hate the websites of most restaurants. They're either too slow, too flashy, too ugly, or just plain uninformative. But even worse than a bad website, are those Luddite eateries that don't even have websites at all. So far as I can tell, there are only three reasons to ever look at a restaurant's website: To check out the menu, find the address or phone number, or to inquire about prices. Nobody goes to these website's to be entertained, though it's nice to have an attractive page to keep up a customer's interest.

Anyway, I'm going to offer a few of my simple rules that every restaurant owner should follow when having their websites designed:

1. Have a Menu, Dammit!
This is, seriously, the most egregious offense any website can make. It's amazing how often you'll come across this ridiculous commission, as though restaurateurs assume that food is the least important part of the dining experience. Reality check: It's the most important part! Often, the menu is left out because it's "coming soon" through a dead link or a button that has yet to be activated, but this is no excuse. If you don't have the menu working, the website isn't working. It's as simple as that.

And if you do have a menu, for pete's sake don't have it as a PDF file. That just annoys me and probably slows down (or crashes) many computers. PDF sucks. Oh, and have all of the prices listed. That's important too. I don't care how good the food sounds, if there are no prices, I'm going to assume you don't want me to see them so I'm not coming there to eat.

2. Keep it Simple, Dammit!
Please, no Flash.  If I have to sit through some long, annoying intro just because I'm trying to find a phone number so I can make a reservation, I'm going to be annoyed even before I set foot in your restaurant. Just have a page with clear, simple links that are easy to find and easy to navigate. And don't have some annoying animation that reloads everytime I accidentally hit the wrong link or backup to go to the front page.

And, please, for the love of all that's holy, no music, no sound effects, and no voices yelling at me. I just want to read a menu in peace.

3. Keep it Attractive, Dammit!
Having said that, it's still important that a website look good. And, no, you don't need Flash to look good, just a nice, clean style that doesn't have a garish color scheme or an awkward layout. You try to make your food look good, right? So make your website look good too. But don't have it crash my damn computer.

4. Keep it Updated, Dammit!
If I read your menu online, I don't want to be surprised when I arrive and see that the best looking item is gone. If you have changed your hours or your phone number, you'd better make sure that's corrected on your website. And if I come in for happy hour, the hours you have listed damn well better be accurate, or I'm gonna be pissed.

Some Example Websites:
Here are some examples of some websites I've seen that either impressed me or annoyed me. By no means is this any attempt at an exhaustive, comprehensive list, just some lists that I've read lately with my opinions listed.

Black Bird
This is just a really good, really well designed website. It's simple, it's clean, it's attractive, and everything is easy to find. I'm not nuts about the color scheme, but it's certainly not ugly and does reflect the look of the actual restaurant. Good job.

Cafe Barbette
Ugh!
By no means the worst website around, but boy is it ugly. the restaurant itself seems to pride itself on its odd, almost garish design, but it works a lot better as an interior design choice than it does as a website. Seriously, who thought that white on red was an ok way to display text? Oh, and PDF menu links. And when you look at the menus, it's just black text on a white background. Why couldn't that have been written as html on the website itself?

Lyndale Tap House
Way too much text on the front page -- who's really going to read all this stuff -- but a well designed website all the same. What I want to illustrate here is their menu, which is presented pretty much perfectly as a series of images instead of just boring text or as an annoying PDF file. This is how it should be done. It is a bit small, however, which is one of the problems with using images like this. Too small and the info is hard to read, too big and it'll slow down most computers.

Mt. Fuji
Where to start with this one? First of all, it's just ugly. Bad colors, awkward design, and a less than intuitive layout. I mean, look at that menu? They couldn't have formatted that a little better so it wasn't just a giant page full of text that takes forever to scroll through? Break it up into sections.

Also, and worst of all, this is the website that inspired by above rant about websites that have their happy hour times wrong. The website says happy hour on Saturday starts at 9:00pm, but Shannon and I discovered the hard way that it actually begins at 9:30pm. The server Brandon was apologetic and very accommodating when I politely complained, agreeing to charge us the happy hour price for our drinks as long as we were ok with waiting the extra twenty minuted before ordering food at the discounted prices. This was nice on his part, but hardly a perfect compromise considering the blame was entirely theirs. He also mentioned that at least one other party that evening had the same problem as us. And looking at their website, it has yet to be fixed.

Sushi Tango
This website is a marvel of graphic design, but it's also annoying to navigate, too loud, and annoys me. I hate Flash, but I will admit that this website has pretty good Flash, and the menu bar on the bottom keeps things from getting too hard to follow. But, still, I'd rather just not have all of this pizazz.

The Herkimer
One of my favorite restaurants also has one of my least favorite websites.

Let's just look at that front page for a second. What is the most prominent feature? A field to search for available tables and make a reservation. This is odd because Herkimer doesn't take reservations. You seat yourself. So why have this awkward, ugly field on the front of your website that serves no purpose and directs people to a different website? 

And their menus are PDFs.

So... how's my website?

Twin Cities Teppanyaki Round-Up

Teppanyaki: Or, as it's known in America, one of those restaurants where they cook at your table. It's good food, usually in plentiful portions and in multiple courses, accompanied by a show put on by your chef. I love Teppanyaki stlyle cuisine and have been going to such restaurants since I was a kid. I've had a chance to try a few places in the Twin Cities and figured I'd give my opinions on each and rank them accordingly.

I'm sure there are several more restaurants in the Twin Cities that offer Teppanyaki style cooking at your table, but I'm going to be talking about just three: Benihana, Ichiban, and Sushi Tango. I'll take into account flavor, ambiance, entertainment value, and whatever else either enthralled me or annoyed me about each place.

Benihana
Benihana might be my all time favorite restaurant, but that has more to do with simple nostalgia than anything else. I've been going there almost every year for my birthday since before I can even remember, but at least for two decades or so (with just a few exceptions here and there, when I was in college or live in a place where there was no Benihana, heave forbid.) It has become something of a Pfeffer tradition, and it is pretty much the place that popularized this style of cuisine in America. They were the first and the best, and that's what makes them great... but it's also what makes them some what lacking as of late. The first gets to pioneer and dominate, but in their attempt to spread and stay on top for so long, certain sacrifices have to be made and things become stale and generic. But I'll never stop going there and I'll never stop loving it.

To begin with, the food is just fantastic with layers upon layers of incredibly flavor... much of which comes from the copious amounts of butter and soy sauce. If you're on a diet, you might want to avoid Benihana, since there's nothing you can eat that isn't smothered with butter. Even the shrimp or scallops or other such item that sounds healthy by itself is going to be served coated in butter and dripping with soy sauce. And then, of course, you have to dip it in either of the two sauces that come with each plate. Every diner gets a cup of ginger sauce and some kind of mayo sauce, both of which are amazing. My mother and my sister always request two ginger sauces and no mayo, but I get both and dip indiscriminately in either, often mixing them together for a taste sensation that must be experienced to be understood. By the time the chef is done, I usually have to ask for a few refills for my sauce cups.

But my favorite part of the meal is the salad, which is topped with an amazing ginger dressing that is the best thing I've ever tasted in my entire life. I love this dressing and so does everybody else who's ever tried it. It's simply phenomenal. I also love the soup, the incredible chicken fried rice, shrimp, steak, vegetables, and everything else they give you.

So I can understand when people complain about the food being heavy. I can understand when people say that they feel full and sick to their stomach after eating a heaping portion of Benihana's food. But I can't understand when people say they don't want to go there since that's the point. I wouldn't go to Benihana every day, but two or three times a year it's an absolute treat. And, ok, I would go every night if I could, but I would go broke. It's kind of expensive. And I guess I would die of diabetes too or have a heart attack, but I'd go out with a smile on my face.

The service can range from terrible to kind of not bad. The wait staff always seems like they are in a hurry, and that's probably because every location has about 800 tables spread over the course of a building the size of a football field. The chefs also tend to range in quality, but none of them have been all that exceptional over the course of my last few visits. Once you've been to Benihana, you've seen the entire shtick and heard all of the jokes. I definitely love the shtick and enjoy hearing the same jokes and seeing the same tricks every time, but at this point it's because of nostalgia and not because the chefs are all that entertaining. Most are actually poor performers lacking much charisma who seem like they are bored to be there, which isn't surprising because they must do the same patter dozens of times a night five or six nights a week. Also, and I don't want this to come out the wrong way, but I can't remember the last time I've seen an Asian chef at a Benihana. They are all Hispanic, which is fine -- more than fine! -- but it does seem odd when they say things like "domo arigato" and "sayonara."
Overall Rating: 4 out of 5

Ichiban
I would be tempted to describe Ichiban as a poor man's Benihana, but it might actually be more expensive. But in terms of flavor and entertainment value, Ichiban just doesn't come close. It's just like Benihana, but not as good. It's sort of like the Bizarro Benihana.

Benihana starts their meal with one of the best salads you'll ever have, while Ichiban gives you some kind of weird cucumber salad that I just didn't like. Benihana gives you a succulent, delicious shrimp appetizer, while Ichiban gives you chicken livers mixed with mushrooms. The chicken livers are doused with butter and soy sauce so the first bite makes them seem edible, but after two or three, I felt like I was going to be sick. They just didn't taste right, with an odd, sandy texture that just put me off. And the rest of the food was just bland, but at least it wasn't as bad as the chicken livers and salad. The food at Ichiban isn't bad (except for the livers), but it just isn't worth the exorbitant price.

The chefs might have a little more personality than Benihana's, however, even though they perform mostly the same tricks and tell the same jokes. But at least they smile once or twice and attempt to make some kind of connection with the diners. Also, the service from the wait stuff is way better. And while every Benihana looks like a giant, unfinished basement, the ambiance and decor at Ichiban is actually quite stunning and very cool. This is a great looking restaurant that has a lot of charm. It's just not that good.
Overall Rating: 2 out of 5

Sushi Tango
I've already raved about Sushi Tango's sushi section (you can read my review here), but they also have a few teppanyaki tables tucked way in the back of the restaurant, almost as an afterthought. But trust me... the food is so good they should think about changing their name to Teppanyaki Tango. I've been to Tango many times, but I have only had their Teppanyaki once and it was a fantastic experience.

Sushi has the luxury of not being a chain (although there are two of them) so they don't have to mass produce their cuisine or brand of service. This independence showed in both the quality of their food and in the service provided by our chef. The chef was named Chan and he was clever and charming and engaging and made me enjoy the show provided with my teppanyaki meal in a way that I haven't experienced since I went to Benihana as a child. He did a bunch of tricks and that are typical for this kind of thing, but he did them with such charm and wit that it seemed like he was making them up as he went along, and he actually engaged us all in conversation. Most important of all, he performed and cooked for us with with exuberance and glee that it seemed like he was having as much fun as we were.

And the food was delicious. I ordered the tuna steak seared rare, and it melted in my mouth even before I took a bite. It was just awesome. My friend ordered filet mignon, which was tender and flavorful and much better than Benihana's (sorry!!). My sister Tanya got lobster tail, which was every bit as good as you'd expect. But I think the tuna was the best, and that's notable because I don't think either other place offers it on their menu.

The dipping sauces were similar to Benihana's, but not quite as flavorful in my opinion. The fried rice was fantastic and maybe better than Benihana's (it was certainly lighter and less filling), but it didn't have chicken. And while the salad was very good, it wasn't as legendary as Benihana's. Tango's food and service was so good, it almost made me forget Benihana... almost. Both my friend and Tanya agreed that it was better and they mocked me for still preferring Benihana. What can I say? Nostalgia is a powerful thing. But all in all, the level of service was the best and the quality of the ingredients was outstanding. It's also the most reasonably priced.
Overall Rating: 5 out of 5

Conclusion:
It breaks down like this: Ichiban kind of sucked, Tango was the best, but I'm still going to spend every birthday at Benihana. I prefer their salad dressing and fried rice, love them for their nostalgia, and have a membership in their "Chef's Table" club that gets me a free meal in the month of my birthday. I love Benihana, but I'd still recommend Tango as the best place in the Twin Cities to get some great teppanyaki.

Ted Cook's 19th Hole BBQ

I've lived all over the country and all over the world, so while that makes me cultured and erudite and knowledgeable about other cultures, it also tends to make me an insufferable dinner companion sometimes. Just ask my girlfriend Shannon.

Because I'm from the east coast, I think the pizza out here in Minnesota is ok at best, but doesn't hold a candle to Pepe's in New Haven or anything you can get at the best places in New York City. And I cry a little bit on the inside when Minnesotans actually talk about walleye as "seafood."

I went to college in Baltimore, so no crab cake I've ever gotten since has lived up to my lofty standard.

I lived in Switzerland for over six years (and went to school just down the street from the Lindt factory!), so I consider myself something of an expert on chocolate. And don't even try to talk to me about fondue.

And I lived in the south for years, so I know me some barbecue. Hands down, there is no way any person not from the south, in the south, or somehow connected to the south can make barbecue that won't have me yearning for my days spent below the Mason Dixon line.

Well... except for Ted Cook, that is. Or whoever is working the smoker over at Ted Cook's 19th Hole Barbecue anyway. Now this stuff... this stuff is the real deal.

To be honest, when I say I lived in the south, I actually only lived in Balitmore, MD and Charlottesville, VA. Baltimore is just about as north as you can get while still claiming to live in the south, and Charlottesville is a college town, so while it is in the middle of Virginia, it's hardly representative of the rest of the state. So when I say that Ted Cook's has better BBQ than I used to get when I lived down south, it doesn't mean it's better than any BBQ you can get in the south, just better than any that I used to get. But by any standard, it's really good BBQ.

It's the kind of place that, as soon as you walk inside, you know it's going to be good. There are no tables, no chairs, and no real ambiance or charm of any kind. There's just a menu on the wall (with huge pictures, in case you weren't sure of what a rib is), a counter where you order, and a hole in the back wall through which some mysterious magical being hands out BBQ after you order it. This is southern style BBQ that comes sweet, hot, and with coleslaw a piece of white bread. And just like down south, half the fun is in figuring out what to do with the bread and how quickly you can throw away the coleslaw.

About the food there is little else to say except that it's great. The ribs were falling-off-the-bone tender, the pork was smoky and dripping with sauce, and the brisket just about melted in my mouth as quickly as I could shovel it in. The highest compliment I can pay this place is that now, after watching hours of programs about BBQ on the Food Network, I finally know of a place close by that will cure any cravings I get.

About the only negative things I can say about this place are that the "jojo potatoes" were mediocre and the prices were a little too high. Their jojo potatoes were basically just a huge mass of homemade chips that were either too thick or too crammed into the deep fryer, so none were able to cook through completely, leaving a big, dripping mass of chewy potato. Of course, we ate them all anyway. And the prices were a little too high, but considering how much you get, not so exorbitant that they were unreasonable. But a few more all a carte options at lower prices wouldn't be such a bad idea in my opinion.

But, at the end of the day, this was just good BBQ. And now when I start on a rant about how good the food was when I lived in the south, people can shut me about about the BBQ in South Minneapolis.

I Got Dogged

Last night my sister and I went to the Uptown Bulldog, and since I have a blog, I'm going to complain about the lousy service because I'm still mad about it.

We arrived at 6:30pm, which was a little late to enjoy the happy hour since it ends at 7:00, but hey... a half hour is better than nothing. I figured I could get in at least a couple beers at the discount before the regular pricing kicked in. That was the plan, anyway, which was made mostly impossible due to the slow, lackluster service.

At first, out waitress was a fine if not all together wonderful server. She was polite and arrived only a few minutes after we sat down, answering whatever questions we had and then went off to get our drinks. She came back with the drinks after a few more minutes and then took our dinner order. And then we never saw her again until around 7:00pm. I was hoping to get a last call or at least flag her down so I could get my empty beer replaced before happy hour ended, but that didn't happen. When she finally came over, I asked her very politely if I could still get a beer at the happy hour price.

"Happy hour was over a while ago," she said, which was odd, because that was an extreme exaggeration. I said I knew that, but was hoping I could still get one at the happy hour price since we never got a last call.

"I don't do last call," she said coldly. "We don't do that here."

I just stared at her, actually shocked not only by what she was saying, but that I could tell that my simple question would generate that kind of attitude. How about something like, "I'm sorry, but I'm not able to do that"? That would have been a satisfactory answer. But to act as though I was a jerk simply for asking pissed me off.

"I have 7:01," I said, showing her my watch, which meant that when she actually came over to our table, it was no more than a minute after happy hour, but possibly not even that long.

She just looked at me and then said something along the lines of, "Look, if you really need it, I''ll give you a dollar if you order another beer, ok?!"

I said I'd take it, and she walked away in a huff. It was just... strange, and while I'll admit that my request was kind of bold (even though I was right, and I actually went out of my way to be polite and not rag on her for being a poor server), her response was ridiculous, and made all the worse by the fact that she made an effort to ignore me for the rest of the night, only looking at and talking to my sister when she'd come back over. At one point we were both done with our meals, with our empty baskets pushed away from us toward the center of the table, and then she came over and took only my sister's tray, asked her how it was, and then left without looking at me or taking my tray as well.

And then when the bill came, there was no dollar included nor any kind of discount. She did come over as we were looking at the bill and said, in the same cold tone she had used on my all evnenign, "I know I said I'd give you a dollar, and you can have it if you want. I don't want to be some kind of jerk."

Too late, I thought, but what I said aloud was to keep her dollar. So... that's the Bulldog. Good burgers, lots of beers on tap, awful service. I don't think I need to go back there.

Little Tijuana

"NO SUBSTITUTIONS!!"

That's all you really need to know about Little Tijuana, which isn't quite the worst Mexican restaurant in Minneapolis, just the most overhyped and obnoxious. "No substitutions" seems to be their motto, since it was written on the table, hanging from the wall, and written all over their menus. It was almost as though they were somehow taking pride in the fact that they refuse to compromise on giving paying customers exactly what they want.

Now, don't get me wrong... I've worked for years at Starbucks for years so I know just how annoying and overly complicated customer orders can get if you give them too much free range. But... no substitutions? At a Mexican restaurant? That means if you love tacos but don't want lettuce, too bad. If you want a burrito with no onions, find another restaurant. If you want the hot sauce on the side, go to hell!

But even worse than that is how every combo selection only comes with one choice of meet for every dish. That is to say, they have combo plates that come with (for example) a taco, an enchilada, and a tostada... which you can only order as all chicken, beef, pork, etc. But I want a chicken taco and a pork enchilada. Sorry, no substitutions!! I'm sorry, but that's not a substitution, that's a standard order of business at any Mexican restaurant. Nobody every wants the same kind of meat for every dish in a combo platter. That's unheard of. That's ridiculous. That's... just... dumb, terrible, offensive customer service.

And, no, it isn't because of any issues with prices. All of the meat choices were the same price. Little Tijuana is just run by assholes. If you can think of any other explanation, I'd love to hear it.

Or, at least, maybe just our waiter was an asshole who took the whole "no substitutions" thing too far and applied it to the combos even though that isn't an actual rule. But I doubt it, since he seemed pretty adamant and annoyed at the mere fact that we'd even ask. And in every other way, the service was pretty terrible too.

So how was the food? It wasn't bad. It was even good, though it wasn't good enough that it was worth the hassle of dealing with the terrible service or the restaurant's lack of consideration for their diners' opinions or needs. Oh, and they don't have a liquor license, so there's no booze. That's another deal breaker right there.

Bottom line, there's no reason to go to this place when Pancho Villa's is right around the corner. In fact, there'd be no reason to go to this place even if it was the only Mexican restaurant in town. I recommend that this restaurant substitutes their ridiculous policy and terrible service for some that won't piss off their potential customers, or I'll continue to substitute this restaurant for any other one.

Pancho Villa's

Everything I know about Pancho Villa is what little I learned from that one episode of the Young Indiana Jones Chronicles. I know he was some kind of Mexican revolutionary, and that he kidnapped Indiana Jones who eventually joined his band of rebels and went along on some raids. It was a good episode, but not all that informative about the actual historical person, much like the episodes where Indiana Jones met T.E. Lawrence, Pablo Picasso, and Teddy Roosevelt. That kid got around.

Anyway, here's all you need to know about Pancho Villa's, a Mexican restaurant on Minneapolis's Eat Street: It's awesome.

As Mexican restaurants go, they have a ridiculously large menu, most of which has gone ignored by me. Whenever I go I see groups of Hispanic people with delicious looking, authentic Mexican entrees that are probably exceptional, but I always stick with what I know: a combo platter that comes with tacos, enchiladas, rice, and beans. Every now and again I'll feel adventurous and get a different combo platter -- perhaps one with a flauta or a tostada -- but it always has to have a taco, because Pancho Villa's has some of the best I've ever had. The tacos come either with your choice of meat, onions, and cilantro, or Durraza style, which has meat, tomatos, lettuce, and cheese. The tortillas are fantasticly flavorful, with a wonderful texture that is the perfect balance between being too soft and too rubbery.

Or you could be more exciting and order something that looks like this:

Every table gets free chips and salsa, which is becoming something of a rarity these days, so it's nice to see a place that still does it right. And whenever you finish off a bowl of chips, the waitress magically appears to ask if you need a refill. The salsa is fresh tasting and very spicy, at least by Minnesota standards, and while it isn't absolutely amazing, it is good enough. I like it.

The service is always fast and friendly, with an abundance of servers who seem willing and happy to help as needed. This isn't one of those places where you'll wait forever for your drinks until you realize there's only one waitress for the entire section. This place always seems to have a dozen or so waitresses working at any given time. Why is that so hard to accomplish? Why is that so rare? And when I came once with a friend who was shocked to see that she was charged for a side of sour cream (even though it was listed on the menu), they apologized and agreed to take it off the bill. That's class.

Best of all: Two for one tap beers and margaritas all day. That's not a happy hour, that's a happy day.

Actually, best of all is the tres leches cake. You won't be able to eat dessert after finishing a meal at Pancho Villa's, but order a slice to go. Trust me, it's incredible. I wouldn't normally recommend getting desert at a Mexican restaurant, but this is one of my favorites.

Bottom line: Pancho Villa's is probably my favorite Mexican restaurant in the Twin Cities, considering the quality of its food and service, the price, and the fact that there is free parking. Just go there already.

5 out of 5