Mickey's Diner

Mickey's Diner is a Twin Cities Institution. Mickey's Diner is on the National Historic Register. Mickey's Diner was seen briefly in such films as Prairie Home Companion, The Mighty Ducks, and Jingle All the Way, and featured in an episode of Rachel Ray's Tasty Travels. Mickey's Diner is the favorite restaurant of former governor and wrestling superstar Jessie "the Body" Ventura.

Oh yeah, and Mickey's Diner really sucks.

It's certainly not without its charm, of course. Dare I say Mickey's may even be the most charming restaurants in the cities. It's a stainless steel, WWII era train car style diner in the heart of St. Paul. As historical landmarks go, it's one of the oldest and most gorgeous restaurants in the city. From a distance anyway. Once you get close enough to see the rust on the steel and the grime in the windows, the charm sort of starts to fade. But don't let that scare you away! If you made it that far you may as well go in and spend an awkward 45 minutes waiting for a seat to open up so you can suffer through really terrible service and attempt to finish a completely inedible meal. But maybe I'm being harsh. After all, it is charming.

"But, Donald!" some of you are probably shouting at your computer screens. "You're completely missing the point of a diner! You don't go there for the food, you go there for the atmosphere!"

To that I say, "shove it!"

I love diners. I've grown up in diners. As much as I love a gourmet meal, I'm a simple man at heart and have always felt more comfortable in a greasy spoon dive than anywhere else. But that's provided the food is at least edible, though decent would be preferable, and actually good would be best of all. Diners are restaurants too, and diner food is good. But Mickey's Diner really sucks.

When I bit into my burger, my heart sank. It was that bad, and not just the taste, but the consistency as well. It wasn't meat. I'm not exaggerating by saying I could get a less processed, meatier burger patty at McDonald's than the one I was served at Mickey's Diner. The two people with whom I ate both got breakfast, which was marginally better than my burger, but nothing really to write home - or anywhere - about. One was a bland, kind of unappealing omelet smothered in chili and the other was a bland fried egg on toast that would've tasted better from my own kitchen. And I'm a mediocre cook. But so is the guy working the griddle at Mickey's Diner. Have I mentioned yet that their food sucks?

I suppose I'd be a little nicer and forgiving had their service been, you know, not lacking in the most basic human decency. I don't know about you, but I don't like to feel as though I'm inconveniencing a wait staff by actually eating in their restaurant. Open hostility isn't great for a patron's digestive system.

But that's just me. Maybe you'll love this place. If you do, they are open 24 hours a day in order to serve your needs. After all, Jessie Ventura wouldn't lie to you.

1 out of 5

The Bulldog

My girlfriend lives right around the corner from The Bulldog, so I always suggest it when we're thinking about what to do for dinner. I suggest it not only because it's so close, but because their bar food is fantastic and they have a ridiculously large selection of beers on tap and in bottles. Shannon usually shoots it down because the service is pretty bad, the space is dark and dingy, and the entire atmosphere is generally unappealing and uncomfortable.

And... we're both right.

Sure, Bulldog isn't going to win any rave reviews for their atmosphere, which most definitely is very dingy (her word for the place, not mine, but there's really no better adjective to describe it). If you wanted to be charitable, you could say the Bulldog is "charming" and and leave it at that, but we all know what that means. It's just a dark, dingy, windowless room with a bunch of high tables lining the walls around the bar. The enclosed patio is a little better, but it's where the smokers go so having actual light is the trade-0ff for the disgusting smell of cigarettes while you eat and drink.

The service is occasionally friendly but usually very slow, but that's ok because at least it's never been rude.

But enough about the atmosphere. Nobody goes to a bar for atmosphere. If you want atmosphere, go to a "restaurant," your royal highness. I go to a bar to drink and eat, and the Bulldog more than delivers. To begin with, their menu is longer and more varied than any bar menu has to be. If you can't find something on their that makes your mouth water, then you don't deserve to eat. Standouts include the amazing Chicago Style Italian Beef Sandwich, the Fish & Chips (you know they're good because there's already malt vinegar on the table), or the extensive selection of hot dogs. But you'll probably just end up getting a hamburger, which is fine because they're awesome. The Bulldog is the kind of restaurant that when you order a burger medium rare, it will actually come medium rare, not well done. (*cough* Herkimer *cough*)

And how can you not love any restaurant that has deviled eggs on their appetizer menu? I've never ordered them, but only because I don't want to risk getting drunk after deviled eggs were the last thing I've eaten. But I'm sure they're very good.

The beer menu is just as long as their food menu, and has a mixture of stuff that sounds fancy and expensive with, you know, stuff I actually order. Happy hour is every day from 3-7 and gets you $1 off taps and bottles. It's not the best happy hour in town, but it's better than nothing and it's long enough to make it worth coming here during dinner time.

At the end of the day, the Bulldog would be just another dingy dive, but they've managed to make themselves standout as something special because of their extensive menu and outstanding food. And to be fair, whenever I do convince Shannon to eat there, she admits that the food is good and the atmosphere isn't that bad. But it would be nice if they, you know, had a window.

4 out of 5

Burger Jones

Burger Jones opened its doors only two or three months ago, and they're already selling t-shirts at the front register. I'm guessing they were probably selling t-shirts on opening night. Of course, there's nothing wrong with a restaurant that sells memorabilia, but when you start selling memorabilia before memories can even begin to form, it makes it clear you aren't just selling food, you're selling a brand. Again, there's nothing inherently wrong with that, but the food better damn well live up to the hype you're trying to create, and -- at least judging from my first visit tonight -- it definitely does not.

Burger Jones is located in the Calhoun Village Shopping Center, at the end of the mall where Applebee's used to be. All things considered, it's a step up from Applebee's, but honestly not by much. At least Applebee's was cheap. At Burger Jones, most of their burgers run about ten bucks, and that's all you get. If you want fries, you have to shell out 3 bucks for an order, and another dollar for each "dipping sauce." A pet peeve of mine is burger joints that only serve chips, forcing you to pay for an upgrade to french fries. Burger Jones doesn't even give you chips, which makes it all the more insulting when you see how huge the platter is, containing only a burger that could politely be described as "modestly sized." They could've even have thrown in a pickle or even some kind of garnish?

I ate with my girlfriend Shannon and my sister Tanya and we split the "Tower," a big basket of regular fries, waffle fries, and sweet potato fries with your choice of 3 dipping sauces. It was definitely enough for 3 people to share, and at 10 bucks it wasn't that expensive, considering that the fries were hand cut, freshly cooked, and quite delicious. But, still, I'm devout in my belief that fries should come with a burger at no additional cost, especially considering how high the cost already is.

As for the burgers, they were ok but just ok. I might even go so far as to describe them as being "pretty good," but that's about all the praise I can muster. I ordered the Black and Blew Burger, which came topped with black pepper, onions, and blue cheese. Shannon ordered the Green Chili Burger, which came "smothered" in what seemed like a very limited amount of green chili. Tanya got something called a "Hangover Burger," which had a fried egg over the beef patty, and an even more limited amount of hot sauce. All of the burger sound interesting and almost exciting, but they were all missing... something. Upon reflection, I realized that that something was flavor. They simply didn't have much flavor, which was odd considering the abundant variety of toppings on each burger.

My burger was the best, but only because I love blue cheese and that was pretty much all I could taste. The hangover tasted like a fried egg, which the green chili was almost non existent in my bite so all I could taste was a burger that tasted fresh and high quality but ultimately lacking in any real taste. Also, we all ordered our burgers "with a little pink" (in favor of the only other choice offered "no pink"), but they all came decidedly unpink, probably just a few degrees below well done. Not cooking a burger to order is always unacceptable, but at least it's somewhat understandable when a diner offers a vague description like, "medium well." But when the only choices you offer are "some pink" or "no pink," you damn well better get the color right. And they didn't, and not just on one burger, but on all of them. That means it wasn't a fluke but a general lack of competence or consistency on the part of the cooking staff. It couldn't have been a miscommunication, because all of our burgers came labeled "some pink." I hate to harp on this point, but not being able to cook a burger to order is kind of a deal-breaker for any burger enthusiast.

The service was pretty fantastic, however. Our server Eric was friendly, enthusiastic, and attentive. If there was any problem with the service, it was that it was too fast. Our meals came about ten minutes or so after we places our order. I sure don't like having to wait a long time for my meal to arrive, but I also don't want to feel rushed. Getting seated and out the door within 40 minutes made me feel as though our enjoyment of the meal was a lot less important than being able to fill that booth a few dozen more times before closing the door. This complaint is in stark contrast to the horror stories I had heard about excessively long wait times to get a table. We were given a table immediately, and then almost forced our the door at record speed.

Burger Jones is one of those places that just... is. It's there, people eat there, but I can't see it acquiring the same popularity held by the other restaurants owned by the same management company. Salut, Figlio, and the Good Earth (et all) are fantastic restaurants with wonderful food that offer a value for your dollar. Burger Jones feels overpriced and underwhelming. When it was first announced, the owners said it would be the ultimate burger joint, with a long menu of burgers ranging from gourmet to diner-style, but it really has a surprisingly small menu of less than exceptional selections.

Sure, they only opened recently and I probably shouldn't judge them too harshly considering that, but... come on. T-shirts? Call me petty for harping on a point, but I can't help but feel that the time and money spent on manufacturing souvenirs would've been better spent on chefs who don't overcook a bland, tasteless burger patty. Next time I actually have a "jonesing" for a good burger, I'd sooner go to Herkimer, Bulldog, Matt's, the Nook, or a dozen or so other places across the Twin Cities that offer exceptional burgers and actually offer a good value for your money.

2.5 out of 5